What Happens When Love Bombs Explode?

Love bombing can feel intoxicating at first – until it isn't.

My guest Jacob and I share real-life experiences, highlighting red flags in relationships that move at a lightning pace and feel too good to be true.

Join us for a candid conversation about recognizing the difference between genuine connection and a flashy illusion.

Want to share your own story anonymously? Record a voice memo and email it to openheartshiddentruths@gmail.com.

Join the Community

Enjoying the show? Leave a review!

Transcript

Intro

Speaker 1 0:14

This is Shamron, and you're listening to Open Hearts, Hidden Truths. The topic of today's episode is love bombing. And I'm excited about today's episode because I have a guest joining me who's going to be sharing his experience with love bombing. I first experienced love bombing intense hardcore love bombing. Several months ago. And I had met someone who I thought that we were on the same page when it came to a relationship. He wooed me intensely when we first met. He said he wasn't looking for anything superficial and that we wanted the same thing. I was not in a proper mindset when I met this person. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have noticed some of these traits as being red flags. Because real love doesn't move at a frantic pace. There's no rush when it comes to real love, true love. Going a hundred miles per hour initially is a red flag. I had just lost my beloved pet. Two weeks prior to meeting this person that really wooed me and swept me off my feet. I had just lost my beloved cat. And just four months prior, I had lost her sister. These two babies were my children. They were my best friends. They were my little angels. So within four months, yeah, I was not doing that great. I can look back on that now and say I was not thinking clearly. But I didn't realize it at the time, but I wanted to be rescued and I wanted to be saved. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted somebody to sweep me away and make everything better. The only thing that can cure pain is not a person. It's not a situation. It's time. But I didn't realize that. I was not aware of that. I just wasn't thinking clearly it was right at the time. Or I convinced myself that it was right. That I should give it a shot. He said that he was allergic to cats and that the timing of how we met was really interesting. Basically insinuating that it was preordained, that it was destiny. And I kind of looked at that as wow, maybe that is a sign. I had been reading so many books on manifestation. Maybe I'd manifested this guy. I was just searching for a sign, comfort, anything. Anything. Love. So things continued at a frenetic pace. All of these bold, intense, passionate declarations. We seemed to agree on many things. And I told him right away I've never wanted kids. That's not something that has ever appealed to me. I was open about that right away. Didn't want kids. And he said that he he didn't really think he wanted them either. So that felt like a relief. Okay, great. Yeah, we are on the same page then, I guess, with a lot of things. But we didn't live in the same state. So several weeks later I joined him on a trip and that's when his mask dropped. That's when I got to see a whole other side of this person. A side that was cold, uncomfortable with his emotions. He had seemed so open with his emotions initially, but the person I was confronted with was just the opposite of that. Passive aggressive, even hostile in some instances. So this person had done a 180. It took a little while to digest what I was experiencing on this trip. But what I realized is that everything in the very beginning was love bombing. Compounded with the fact that I just wasn't in a good headspace. I was confused. I was lonely. I was maybe even a little out of my mind. Just not with it. He really sucked me in with all of that love bombing. Making plans for the future. Oh, we're gonna go we're gonna go here, we're gonna go there, we're gonna go to a Lakers game. Have you ever been to Vancouver? Vancouver's wonderful. Expect an invitation. Practically as soon as we had met, this started, which should have been a huge red flag for me among other things. Other things that were going on in his life that I never would have gotten involved with this person had I been thinking with a a straight head. But when we're unhappy and grieving and wanting comfort, we're not we're not thinking straight. I was letting everything that I was feeling inside of me guide me in my decision making. But time is the only thing that can heal pain and grief and loss. But a person can't. A situation can't. I didn't really understand that at the time. So two days after this trip where it was very, very apparent that we were not a match and it wasn't meant to be, even though we kind of left it open-ended. He called me and basically told me this wasn't going to work because he wanted kids. But he wanted kids in five to ten years. It was very, very obvious that he was pushing something off in the future to get out of the present, to get out of the situation that he had gotten himself into. Total reversal, total 180. I said, What about thinking it was meant to be and and indicating that it was destiny? That you know, you had said that, you know, it's really interesting, the timing. I'm allergic to cats. And he said, Well, that just means that you need to get another cat. Didn't take any accountability for anything. Everything he had said initially went out the window. Everything. He seemed to forget, but when I reminded him that he didn't want to remember he was completely checked down. Definitely learned a couple valuable lessons though. Never get involved with someone in a new relationship while in the throes of grief. Just give yourself a chance to breathe and to heal and to think straight. But don't go making big decisions and jump into relationships when you don't have a clear head. I will never, ever disregard the signs of love bombing again. Ever. Joining us is a guest who knows a thing or two about love bombing, Jacob. So take me back to your first experience where you were love bombed.

Speaker 2 7:15

Well, you know, it it's interesting because I was in a very um I was in a very different state of mind. I think before it actually happened, I was incredibly ready to find love, but without really knowing it. So I was in a very vulnerable state when the love bombing uh happened. And and and that's sort of like I I think that's important to know because I think that's also why it was so effective, um, and also why it affected me so much. You know, it's it's not just always about the other person, it's also about you, like how it affects you. And and I could have probably reacted very different to the love bombing if I had been in a different state of mind at that time.

Speaker 1 8:00

How would you describe that state?

Speaker 2 8:03

Well, you know, I've not been dating uh for a very, very long time. And not in, you know, maybe in the past two years, that all changed. So when I went on the date with this guy who love bombed me, I didn't know that I was ready to date seriously. And and so I was kind of like, I just, you know, you know, when you just do something because you force yourself to it, really. Get out of your comfort zone, try something new. That's the state I was in. So when I met him, I was very surprised in the beginning on how he reacted to me. You know, we chatted online, we'd met at the gym, and then I decided to say yes to go out with him. And the minute I saw him, he was like, you know, handsy. He wanted to, you know, hold hands underneath the table, like from the first minute. We're in this bar, um, we're sitting outside, and he grabs my hands. And I'm thinking, because I wasn't in that state of mind of knowing that I was ready to date, it felt so romantic. It was like, wow, what is this? I thought we were just gonna, you know, sit down and have a drink and maybe hook up. Like, who knows what I thought. But but his way of acting immediately set me in that romantic state of mind that I I just didn't even know that I, you know, wanted. But when he grabbed my hands, I was like, oh my God, this feels so intense. And we stayed at the bar for quite a while, and he kept like, you know, touching my hands. And the minute we left, he started kissing me on the street. And then we came back to my apartment and I had some work to do. And I I just remember him, and I'm actually sitting right where I was when this feeling came to me. He was sitting across right at this table, and I as I was working, writing these quotes, I looked at him and I thought, I don't need you to leave. And that moment was so intense for me because I always thought that love and hookups, and it was just like a very um, you know, something that would never stay. But suddenly this guy, I think, in part because he was so romantically um, you know, well he acted so romantically from the beginning, I thought, you don't have to leave. So in that moment, his love bombing affected me very differently because I was in that vulnerable state of knowing this person, I don't need him to lead. It's okay, he can stay.

Speaker 1 10:32

Do you think this person picked up on all that energy and sensed that and really turned it up?

Speaker 2 10:38

Yeah, I think people who love bombs, because it's all about, you know, reeling the other person in, and then, you know, then what do you do with it when you finally have that person reeled in? So I think he definitely picked up on that because and I also remember after a couple of maybe it was even the second date or something, I remember when I told him that I thought he had beautiful eyes, he was like, oh, like, you know, that's when it started to change. That's when he had done all the, you know, the work. And then when I started to say you have beautiful eyes, that's when things started to go wrong. And and I have to remind you, like, you know, leading up to this, the other dates we went on was exactly like the first one. Like the minute we saw each other, he would take my hand and walk down the streets of Washington holding my hand, which was very, you know, new to me. Um, I I had not done that in a very long time. He'd stop in like front of a 7-Eleven and start kissing me. And people that would walk by would be like, Oh my god, you guys look so cute. And and that all that affected me so much because I was like, I felt this almost love romance that I that I just didn't think I needed. But I definitely think he picked up on the signals from me that that I was into this, absolutely.

Speaker 1 11:53

How long did this uh love bombing, and I guess I would describe love bombing as very intense, over the top, uh hundred miles per hour behavior. How long did this behavior on his end stretch?

Speaker 2 12:08

I would say at least the first five dates. You know, there was also like ice skating on the mall, like, you know, all these very romantic things to do. And he was initiating them, really, until he wasn't. It felt like a whirlwind in those weeks, you know, because I was like, I had no idea this is what I wanted, this is what I want now. You know, I put him on a pedestal immediately because he was the guy who wanted romance from me. And I didn't even know that, you know, I was ready for romance. And and so I I completely, and this is what you have to understand with love bombing, if you love bomb someone at a vulnerable state, you completely change the way they think, like the way I thought. Like everything changed. It was like a new way to look at life, really. It's such a dramatic feeling. It it almost felt like a white light moment. Oh, I can have love, and this person wants to give me love, and then everything shatters.

A Sudden Shift

Speaker 1 13:05

This is all so relatable for me. My experience was, you know, I was in a very vulnerable state, and this person just really, really cranked it up, and it's addictive. All that dopamine, all of those feelings, all those chemicals swirling inside of you. It's very addictive. What was the instance or the moment where everything suddenly changed?

Speaker 2 13:34

I remember very clearly, um, it was a Saturday afternoon, and I was I was going out to dinner with a friend, and um, and I decided to text the guy because this was leading up to Valentine's Day, and I asked him out on Valentine's Day, and I came up with this like, oh, do you want to go to dinner at this, you know, like I was keeping up the romance here because it, you know, it's Valentine's Day. Let's go out to a romantic restaurant. And I remember sending that text, and I felt really good about the text when I sent it because I thought we were on that page. And I thought, what man wouldn't want to spend Valentine's Day? Because I was so in it, right? I was I was so into this. And I sent the message and there was just silence. And and that was very strange from that moment because there was no silence. Every time I would text him, he would text me back immediately. It was like there was, you know, that moment, and I almost thought for a minute, I wonder if something happened to him because it was such a strange, it was just a break, like it was, it was it was a complete 180 on how we had texted um earlier. And then, of course, you know, what happens? You know, you go into your obsession mode um where you're like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. I, you know, that was too much. And I put all the blame on me. And he didn't respond. So the next day I meet him at the gym.

Speaker 1 14:58

Did you just run into him haphazardly?

Speaker 2 15:01

Yeah, like just randomly, right? We start talking about, you know, something else, like like small talk, really. And then at the end of the conversation, I'm like, because the whole like the whole time I'm having this small talk talk conversation about nothing. The only thing I can think of in my brain is why didn't he respond to that text? Why didn't he respond to that text? And he's, you know, so at the end of the conversation, I'm like, by the way, did you see the text I I sent you yesterday? And you know, it's like, oh, um, oh, no. Um, no, I didn't. And, you know, it was delivered and everything. And then, you know, he took his phone up and he's like going down the messages and he's like finding the message and he reads it. And of course he's, you know, of course he'd read it before. I'm I'm positive, of course he he did, right? But then he's like, Yeah, I'm not really into the Valentine stuff. I'm like, oh, that's totally fine. Like I did, you know, I did, you know, it was just that Friday, and I make all these excuses for myself suddenly. And this is the first time that I'm the one being romantic and he's the one stepping away. And that was it. That was the end of it. Really, like that was a beginning of the end, right? And I blamed myself so much. I thought this is just because, you know, it's it's your fault, basically. I told myself, you moved ahead too fast.

Speaker 1 16:15

I think that's a little common that we start blaming ourselves. I know I was questioning, you know, things that I did that I said, and really what I've learned is that with these types of people with love bombers, these are their own issues. It's not personal. It feels, it feels very personal in the moment. And it hurts, and it feels very uncomfortable and confusing. Were you left confused?

Speaker 2 16:43

Very confused. You know, I was like, I wonder what does he want then? And that and then this is also a very important lesson because the minute you start asking yourself, what does he want then? That is when you start to, you know, you create another version of you that's not really you, because you try to adapt to what you think his needs are. Oh, he turned you down on Valentine's Day romance. How do I, what do what, how do I do? What do instead of saying, you know, this would be the pragmatic version uh of yourself, would say, okay, he's not interested in romance. That's fine. I am, so I need to move on to other things. But instead of doing that, you go like, oh, how can I reel him in a different way? You know, and and and then the manipulation begins. The the you know, you become a chameleon of yourself and you're not true to your feelings anymore because you try to adapt to their feelings. And that's always a catastrophe in dating when you're not true to yourself, really.

Speaker 1 17:45

100%. Because you shouldn't have to try to morph into what you think someone else wants you to be.

Pedestals and Projections

Speaker 2 17:52

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just if we could just take all those inhibitions and feelings apart and just, you know, look at ourselves and say, oh, I want romance. If you don't want romance, bye. That would be so easy, right? That's not not how it works, unfortunately. I stuck around for a bit, and the dating after that was not good. Like it was a complete shift in dating. It was um it didn't, you know, I I kept keeping it alive and like every little bread crumb you would throw, I would pick up and and you know, it it it was it was never good after that. And I think it was probably three or four dates after that until it ended.

Speaker 1 18:33

You mentioned that you put him on a pedestal, I think. Do you feel that he put you on a pedestal? Because in my instance, the person that I was involved with definitely threw me up on this pedestal, and it wasn't sustainable. When I became a real flesh and blood person with needs and feelings, he freaked out.

The Thrill of the Chase

Speaker 2 18:54

Yeah. Exactly the same situation, Shamron. It's exactly the same. He was chasing me. He was like interested in everything about me. And and he'd asked me out many times, you know, like on different platforms. And and and so I definitely think he did. He wanted to get me. How, you know, he wants to see how he could get me. And then at the same time, I put him on a pedestal. And it's funny because today I actually know him, and this is also part of the story. I look at him in a completely different light. And it's so interesting, you know, this is like a year after, how you look at a person in a completely different light. I don't put him on the pedestal, I see him as a flesh and blood person with some great things. Like he's a great guy. There's, you know, we all have defects of character, all these things. But but I see him real. Like now he's real to me. But back then he was not real. I just I made this version of him in my head, who I thought he was, and why he was perfect for me and why I was perfect for him.

Speaker 1 19:54

Do you think that these people just get off on the thrill of the chase? You know, fresh meat, new blood?

Speaker 2 20:00

Partly. I don't think they're always at fault because there's probably something they're going through or have gone through that makes them act this way, right? So I I don't I don't blame, I don't put blame on him or anyone else who loved bombs because I don't think it's always intentional, intentional. However, I I think that they are aware of that hunt and chase like situation and they get a thrill out of it. And they know they get a thrill out of that to wheel somebody in and then just leave them. I I definitely do. I just I think there's a difference between being aware of that you are seeking the thrill and then that but you but you're like even though you're seeking that thrill and trying to reel somebody in, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person trying to hurt the other person. That's just all you know.

Speaker 1 20:50

Aaron Powell I tend to agree with you. I don't think in general these people are very emotionally aware. I don't think that they realize that their own issues and patterns are influencing and driving this behavior. But on the other hand, they don't really want to be aware and they don't want to take accountability.

Speaker 2 21:09

No. And I also think, you know, we're having this conversation now. But you know, a lot of people just they don't go through that or look at life like that or or look at themselves like that. And and that's okay. You know, we can't always we can't all be the same, but yeah, I don't think they're all aware of of what they're doing, basically.

Speaker 1 21:30

They seem to want to run from their emotions, which is the opposite of how I want to live my life. I don't want to be like that.

Speaker 2 21:37

Right. I agree. And and and you know, it's that's also what I you know when I look at the situation now, I look at this guy and I'm like, this would you know, I can see him for what he is now, and I'm like, he's a great guy. I have no romantic interest at interest in him today because I know that I want depth, I want spiritual spirituality. And I want honesty. And um and I'm not getting that from him. And I could never get that from him. So, so you know, the the things that we need and want are not aligned anymore. But I I definitely I'm an emotional person, I think. And that's also probably why, like you are, we that we get affected more than maybe a lot of other people by love bombing because we are emotional.

Speaker 1 22:26

Yeah, I'm I'm very sensitive, admittedly. Very so and and maybe that's not a bad thing. That's just the way I am. Maybe that's just the way you are. It is what it is.

Speaker 2 22:37

Yeah, exactly. And and you know what, it it turns out that you know there are other people like us, and those people should become our loves, not the other ones.

Speaker 1 22:48

What was your aha moment with this person where you recognized, oh, hey, it's not me that's the problem?

Speaker 2 22:55

That's a very good question because I I definitely was interested in this person for a lot longer after I realized what had been going on. And I you know what I think it was? I think it was when we we sort of like kept seeing each other a little bit, like, you know, hooking up once after, even you know, long after we stopped dating. And and that sort of like kept me still interested in him. Then I remember one day where he was, you know, we we talked about doing something and he bailed on me. And for the first time I was like, you know what, this is not okay. This is not okay behavior. So instead of trying to be like, oh, okay, sorry, maybe we can do another, like, you know, being an unauthentic version uh of uh a non-authentic version of myself, I decided to step up and say, you know what, this is not okay with me. So if you want, you know, if you want me in your life, you can't behave like that. And I just said exactly how I felt, exactly how it felt. And he was like, Oh, oh, okay. Like he's completely, you know, not used to somebody telling him how they actually feel instead of just walking away. And almost like a day after that, I just looked at him in a completely different light. And then it also helped, of course, to start dating other people because then you realize, and especially for me, because I was so, you know, I told you in the beginning of the program that I had not dated for a long time. So in 2025, after this, I dated a lot and met different people with, you know, different lives, different different perspectives. And and I also think I slowly realized that I'm looking for something else that he could give me. And now I have all these other you know things to look at, and and that made me realize that that he was not the one for me.

Speaker 1 24:42

Do you think that narcissism played a part at all in his behavior?

Speaker 2 24:47

That's a good question. I think maybe subconsciously, but but I don't think it was deliberate. I think it comes down to intent, really. And if your intentions aren't to hurt other people, are you then a narcissist?

Speaker 1 25:02

A lot of narcissists do tend to love bomb. In my experience, this man was definitely somewhere on the narcissistic scale. Doesn't mean that all love bombers are narcissists. There's often some overlap with love bombing and narcissism, and I just was curious.

Speaker 2 25:19

I don't like knowing him now. I would say no, actually. I don't think he is. I just don't think he's conscious of his actions.

Speaker 1 25:28

Mm-hmm. It's all fascinating. Human behavior, how we react to emotions, how some people run from emotions, especially men. And one of the reasons I'm so glad to talk to you is that I love when men can talk about their emotions. Here's the thing with men, gay and straight alike, so many men are very uncomfortable with their emotions. They run from them, whether it's societal conditioning, parenting, past trauma. So whenever I can talk to a man who wants to talk about his emotions, I love that.

Speaker 2 26:03

Me too. And I think it's so important to be to be talking about it. This is my experience. The more you share about it, the easier it gets to handle that emotion or to feel what you feel. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's what keeps people from talking about feelings, is because not a lot of men do it. So the more we do it, I think the easier it becomes for everyone to talk about feelings because I'm sure that people want to talk about their feelings if they weren't so scared of how other people would react to it.

Speaker 1 26:35

What is so scary about addressing your feelings? Like it's some big bad wolf hiding underneath the bed. What's the worst that could happen? Why, why do people feel I don't know what they feel? Is it they feel like they're being weak?

Speaker 2 26:48

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Weak and um sensitivity to these things are not a traditional masculine trait, I think, you know, that you're you're you know tougher than that or whatever. And I think that also, especially in the straight world, probably creates this picture of a man that doesn't talk about his feelings. But I think still, you know, like 30 years ago, we wouldn't have been have had this conversation, probably, right? I hope it's moving in another direction. And also because of, you know, the there's so many, like 20 years ago there was only like talk shows on television. Now there's these formats, podcasts. We can, you know, we can sit and listen to other people talk about their feelings. And I love that.

Sharing Eases the Pain

Speaker 1 27:29

I love that too. And I I love that often the things that we're thinking and that scenarios that we're cooking up in our head and getting on that hamster wheel and keeping those things to ourselves, you know, when we share them and when we can talk about them, we find that, oh wow, I'm not alone here. There are other people that feel this way. I'm not crazy.

Speaker 2 27:50

That's probably one of the biggest lessons of my life that when you feel something, you shouldn't just be silent, talk about it. It makes it a million times easier. Because as we're doing now, you're telling me that you've been love bombed, I've been love bombed. So that makes me not feel alone anymore, and you not feel alone anymore. And maybe the people listening to this won't feel alone anymore.

Speaker 1 28:15

I agree. It's a way of connecting, it's a way of bringing our humanness together. We're not all alone here. We are all connected in many ways that we don't even know.

Speaker 2 28:26

Exactly.

Speaker 1 28:27

It's okay to talk about it.

Speaker 2 28:29

Absolutely.

Speaker 1 28:30

Well, thank you for talking to me about it.

Speaker 2 28:32

You're very welcome. Thank you so much for listening, and uh yeah, thanks for having me.

Call to Action

Speaker 1 28:37

Have you had an experience with love bombing? How did this affect you moving forward? What lessons did you learn, if any? Or are you a love bomber? Take me into your frame of mind. Is it the thrill of the chase? Is it the excitement? Do you get bored when things get real? Do you get scared when things get real? What are you feeling? Talk to me. If you're enjoying this podcast, click the subscribe button. If you have a similar experience you'd like to share, drop me an email or a DM @openheartshiddentruths.