Don't Shoot! I'm Just the Messenger

What would you do if you uncovered a secret that could shatter someone's world?

I explore how revealing a betrayal ended a friendship, why I thought everyone would want to know the truth, and how I learned some people prefer to be left in the dark rather than face a painful situation.

Would you want to know the truth – even if it broke your heart?

Want to share your own story anonymously? Record a voice memo and email it to openheartshiddentruths@gmail.com.

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Transcript

Intro

Speaker 0:14

This is Shamron, and you're listening to Open Hearts, Hidden Truths. So today we're going to be talking about that extremely awkward moment when I decided to share some sensitive info with a friend. And figuratively speaking, she shot the messenger. This is the first and only time this has ever happened to me. Hopefully it'll never happen to me again. I was living in New York City at the time. And I had a good girlfriend out there. We're gonna call her Brandy. And she started dating a guy that she was extremely excited about. She was head over heels, actually. She was besotted by this man. I never got to meet this person because shortly after she started dating him, I moved back to Los Angeles. In LA, I had another friend who one day was telling me about a good friend of his that was dating a man that she was so excited about. She was also head over heels. She was a very, very successful businesswoman, and she was going to give this man a sizable loan, and she was planning on having a baby with him. Now the details about this man were very similar. What I was hearing from my friend in LA, and then what I was hearing from my friend in New York. They were so similar, in fact, that I quickly discovered that this was the same person. This was the same man. So on one coast, you had a woman in LA dating a man in New York City who was also dating another woman in New York City. What are the odds of this? What are the odds of me knowing someone and finding out that this guy is two-timing both women? I don't even know what the odds are for something like that, but it was it was quite the realization. So I have this info now, really sensitive, uncomfortable info. What do I do with it? I tell my friend. I tell my friend in New York because I thought she would want to know. Now my friend in New York City was monogamous with this man. She was under the impression that he was monogamous with her. So I called her. This was over ten years ago. I don't quite recall all of the details in my conversation with her. It was brief. She sounded doubtful, like she didn't quite believe my story, or she didn't want to believe my story. About 30 minutes later, my phone started blowing up, and I started receiving text after text after text, rage-filled texts from a number I did not recognize. And it was apparent that my friend Brandy had given the two timer my uh phone number. And he was telling me what a jealous, evil woman I am, and just absolutely enraged. I blocked him, called Brandy again, she refused to pick up, went to voicemail, I texted Brandy. Nothing. Not one word not one emoji. Absolutely nothing. She went AWOL. I never heard from Brandy again. I don't know what became of her relationship. I don't know what became of her. She went AWOL on social media, she went dark. Not one murmur. Not one word. Meanwhile, the businesswoman was devastated. But she broke up with the guy, and she was very grateful that she had this info so that she knew exactly what she was dealing with with this man. So she dumped the guy, never talked to him again from what I understood, didn't engage with him at all. So you have two women who experienced the same thing. They were both being cheated on, and yet they handled it in completely different ways. I can only assume that Brandy chose to stay with the man. She wanted to stay in her bubble. She didn't want to believe me. She sacrificed our relationship for this two timer. And then you have on the opposite end of the spectrum this woman who chose to come from a position of strength. She chose to take charge of the situation even though she didn't like it. And she made some big changes. The other woman, Brandy, she decided to, from my viewpoint, she decided to blame me for causing her this strife. And she cut me off. She sided with the two-timer. That's her prerogative. She wanted to have the wool pulled over her eyes. That is completely her prerogative. I wish she could have communicated with me. I wish she could have had a conversation with me. Her reaction I found extremely strange. It's like she couldn't face me and she couldn't face the truth. So it was easier to shut me off than face the truth. The truth was far more painful. No idea what became of Brandy, the relationship, the man, nothing. No idea. Going forward, I wouldn't do this again. I don't regret what I did. I don't regret telling my friend she was being cheated on. I don't under any circumstances think that that is a bad thing. If I were being cheated on and my friend knew, not only would I want to know, but I would be furious if she didn't tell me he or she didn't tell me, and I'd be furious at the man. I'd be furious all around. I would want to know. Having said that, some people want to remain in their bubble. They want to be blissfully unaware that's their right. I would not share that news again. I wouldn't do it. In some regard I would feel like I'm betraying my friend if I didn't share this news that I had with them. But I don't want to get in the middle. I wouldn't get in the middle again. Let them figure it out the hard way. I don't want to be put in that position. I don't want to I don't want to lose a friend again. I lost a friend over sharing an uncomfortable truth. My friend decided to blame me for that truth rather than the person that was at fault. Presumably, I don't know what became of that relationship. But it certainly appears that she decided to shoot the messenger for the guy that was two timing her, because the truth was too painful. The truth inconvenienced her. It popped her bubble. It ruptured her fantasy. Psychology Today said that choosing not to know, remaining intentionally ignorant is a sign of weakness. The Hookup, an Australian show, they had a poll on Instagram, and they found that 82% of people said that if they knew that their friend was being cheated on, then they would tell them. But only 53% actually said that they did it. So essentially people chickened out. They chickened out, they decided not to tell their friend or whomever. Because it's awkward. It's painful, it's awkward, it's uncomfortable. But wouldn't you rather know? Or are you like brandy? Would you not want to know? Would you want to be left in the dark? That's wild to me that you would not want to know the truth. You're gonna have to deal with it sooner or later, whether you find out now or whether you find out later. The truth always comes out. So it's just a question of how much do you value your time? How much do you value yourself? I sometimes think about Brandy and I wonder what happened to her, and I wonder how she's doing. And sometimes when I think about her, I still get a little pissed off. And I still feel a little hurt. Because anger always comes from hurt. It stems from being hurt. I wish she would have handled things a whole lot differently. But that was out of my control. I didn't have any control over how she decided to process the information that was presented to her. She ran, she hid. I feel like she didn't have she didn't have the backbone to address it. She didn't have any follow-up questions. She didn't want to know anything. She wanted to believe whatever the guy was telling her. I mean, with all of his crazy text messages that he sent me, I mean that's you know, doth protest too much. I even sent her screenshots of those text exchanges when he was going off on me. Nope, nope. Didn't respond to that either. She chose to remain in her bubble. Whether she ever snapped out of it, I don't know. I don't know. But it was a hard lesson. Don't rock someone's world. Don't share that sensitive info. Let them figure it out on their own. But if my friend had that info, you better believe I would want them to tell me. They would have to tell me that. Knowledge is power. I would want to be well informed. I would want to know exactly who I'm choosing to spend my life with. I would want to know. What about you? Have you lost a relationship where something similar happened? How did that make you feel? Would you want to know if you were being cheated on? Or would you want to be blissfully unaware in your own world, living in your fantasy, not to be disturbed? What are you feeling? Talk to me.