Game Changer: When Old Patterns No Longer Fit

When did a pattern that once worked for you suddenly fail you?

I reflect on how men I once gravitated toward now feel at odds with who I've become. Growth and evolution are central themes in life and perspectives can shift, surprising many – including ourselves.

What incident have you experienced where your old habits no longer serve you?

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Transcript

00:00 Intro

Speaker 0:14

This is Shamron, and you're listening to Open Hearts, Hidden Truths. So an article caught my eye the other day when I was scrolling on my phone, and it was regarding the big game between Indiana versus Miami. And the article was about one of the quarterbacks and his dating life. And uh was stating how he was dating, allegedly dating an adult film star. So I was just, you know, a little curious looking through it. I kind of got caught down a rabbit hole a little bit, reading some of people's comments, comments that they were making about a stranger's dating choices, two strangers. And not surprisingly, there was a lot of sexist, misogynistic comments about the woman. And it was just comment after comment, primarily from men, but from women too, who were piling on this adult film star and just saying really silly, silly things, of course, related to her sexuality and to her body and to her image and to you know her choice of profession. Things like well, it must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, um, just really cheap, asinine shots. I mean, for one, it's just completely, completely ignorant because we know that body parts are not like balloons. Whether a woman has sex with 20 different men in one week, or whether a woman has sex with one man twenty times in a week, or in a month, or in a year, or in a day, it doesn't matter, you know, getting getting stretched out, just completely ignorant comments that kind of made me laugh a little just at the ignorance and silliness of it. But it was kind of interesting to see a couple of men, and you I mean, you can only tell from their avatar. Some you sometimes you can't tell anything from their avatar, but you could definitely tell some of the men, they were standing up for her, and they were standing up for him, for the two people involved, and basically just saying, Oh, all of you people that are so judgmental. You know what, like you don't do things behind closed doors, like you don't watch porn, like you don't do this, like you don't do that. Okay, there are some people that have some common sense and that we're sticking up for them. I mean, these are two strangers. I never ever think to comment on these things because these people are strangers. Why would I comment on a stranger's private life? Sitting behind our phones, behind our screens, our computers, we love to be the judge and the jury. Meanwhile, what's really going on behind closed doors with those people who are making such sexist, idiotic statements about a stranger's private life? What kind of videos are downloaded on their computer? What shenanigans are they getting themselves into behind closed doors when no one can see? What I could tell, I didn't see any women defending these two. The female commenters were going off on the woman as well, on the on the adult star. They were going off on her as well. They were piling on her just as many men were piling on her. You know, just that tired, cliched, double standard. It's all about discomfort around one's sexuality, women's sexuality in general. I think it's societal conditioning, I think it's projection, internal shame. I think people just they get a kick out of judging others. It makes them somehow feel superior, or they have nothing better to do, or both. But it gives them a sense of power or control, or it just somehow makes them feel better about themselves, which I also don't understand. People that live in glass houses, we all have skeletons. We all have skeletons, every single one of us. Who are they to judge someone else? But, you know, that's what it is. That's that's what the modern era is. It's just a bunch of people sitting behind a screen, experts on everything, including someone's dating life. And you know, the whole anonymity just fuels these comments. But I've noticed that this mindset, a lot of these sexist, ageist, misogynistic comments, because by the way, the adult film star is older by several years than the quarterback, is much more pervasive with older men. And when I say older men, I mean late 40s and beyond, probably more 50s and beyond. I'm speaking in general terms, because I'm sure there are a lot of young men that have very misogynistic views, and not every older man has these old-fashioned points of view about what a woman should be. But I've noticed a lot of this pervasive thinking with an older crowd, an older group of men. And it's just it's based on a lot of old-fashioned ideas, a lot of societal conditioning, outdated sexist views on women and a woman's value and how a woman's value is based. So that got me thinking. Got me thinking about older men and my experience with older men, and my history with dating and marrying older men. So over the summer, I tried out some dating apps. I take breaks from those things quite often because it's a little exhausting. You gotta uh take breaks. Anyone who's on those knows you gotta take breaks from time to time. I think I met with one. Was it one? Was it two? I was supposed to meet with someone else. That never happened. Um, but I was chatting with several. And, you know, I got to thinking. It never went further. I didn't want it to go any further. I was just like, you know, after a couple of weeks of this, I was just like, wait, what am I doing? What am I doing? I'm going after the same types of men, older men, that I used to go for in my 20s and 30s. This doesn't feel right. This isn't aligning with me. This dynamic feels off. I'm not feeling it at all. Why am I going for and you know, putting the filters on this app, age filters and all of that? Why am I even entertaining this? Why am I doing the same thing that used to work for me that no longer no longer suits me? So that's when I took a very, very long break, got off the apps, was doing some soul searching and reevaluated a lot of things. That dynamic of older men used to feel so natural and so normal for me, and I used to gravitate towards those types of people. My first husband was 16 years older than me. My relationship immediately following that, for several years, was with a man who was twenty two years older than me. Who is that girl? Who is she? I don't know who that is. That girl's gone. She's dead, for all intents and purposes. I don't relate to her choices anymore. And it's not just a physical thing. It's not just about a physical attraction sort of thing, although that's certainly part of it. But it's the mindset that a lot of older men have, I've found, about what a woman should be, related to her weight, her size, her age, her sexuality, what she should and shouldn't do, just all of these very narrow, boxed-in ideas. And maybe they're projecting. Maybe it has to do with them and how they feel about aging and getting older and whatever dynamic they grew up with from their parents or from their experiences with marriage and dating and all of that. It's just a lot of old-fashioned thinking about a woman's value. And so from a romantic standpoint, I feel completely disconnected from older men. Can you relate to me? Can you relate to any of this? A dynamic that once worked and felt so natural to you is no longer serving you. It's no longer relatable. It doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel right. So what I've discovered is that a lot of younger men have a fresher perspective. In general, they're not nearly as ageist, sexist, misogynistic. And there's a sweetness that I find a lot of them have, a certain curiosity. They're not so rigid, they're not so set in their ways. And I find that very attractive. I find that very in line with me and my outlook on life. It's exciting. That's an exciting kind of viewpoint. They have a much more progressive way of thinking. And I'm I'm not talking politics here. I'm just talking about there's an open-mindedness and a sense of adventure and curiosity. Because this kind of came as a shock to me. It was very surprising when I had this realization. Like what worked for me, the people that worked for me in a romantic way, they just feel foreign. They feel like a foreign entity at this point. It doesn't feel right. The connection isn't there. The interest isn't there. The spark for me isn't there. And a lot of it definitely has to do with a certain outdated way of thinking and a narrow-minded way of thinking. And yeah, a lot of that is steeped in misogyny. So what does this mean for me? I don't know. I don't know what it means for me. It means that I'm drawn to emotionally mature, open-minded people who don't want to box me in and who don't want to be boxed in. You know, guys in their late 40s and beyond, a lot of them just don't take care of themselves either. And that doesn't work for me. That's not going to cut it. But yeah, so what once worked for me, a dynamic that once seemed so natural and normal and something that I sought out in my relationships, completely disconnected now. Total shift. Total shift. Is this normal? Do a lot of other people go through this? Have you gone through this? Patterns that worked for you. A lot of it is just growth. And it's about someone's energy, personality, the dynamic, the vibe, whatever you want to call it. I mean, energy and vibe, I mean, that's ageless. So, you know, I'm very aware that I could meet someone that's 55 who is completely aligned with me, with who I am now. That's very possible. But I find this whole, this whole shift to be really, really interesting. Because I've never experienced this kind of a shift before. And it just occurred to me recently that I'm going about it the wrong way, the types of people I was going about it the wrong way with the types of people that I was looking for romantically. It was kind of a cool realization, actually, because I like evolving. I like growing. I don't want to stay stagnant. And it's just a natural progression, whatever, whatever this is, the shift, who you're drawn to, who you feel most aligned with at this stage in your life, or whatever stage you're in. It does, again, it's not about a particular age. It's just about evolving and changes in what once worked for you that no longer works for you. What were you once so aligned with that you are now no longer aligned with, that you've drifted away from? Whether it's drifting away from a certain type of people, from a mentality, from a way of thinking? Does this hit home for you? Can you relate to this? Why am I going for these same types of people that I'm not even drawn to? It's out of habit. It's out of habit, but then recognizing, okay, it's time to get out of that rut. That's not who you are anymore. What are you feeling? Talk to me.

Speaker 14:34

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